I don’t know how to respond when someone asks me to tell them about myself. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t like attention, I get awkward when people are looking at me and I can never find the words or the right ways to answer any question that pertains to me. I can say that I am a writer who is good with expressing words through poetry and creative writing and I am a not good talker; I always struggle with finding the right words to speak. I am passionate about literature, poetry, interior design, residential real estate, fashion/styling and photography. I am a dreamer and I want to do and explore so many things and also be so many people all in one. I love to dream and write more than I like living in reality and I am not quite sure I can ever be present in any kind of moment because no matter where I am, I am always day dreaming, wishing, fantasizing and thinking of being somewhere else. I have a vast imagination. I am never satisfied with my existence and I always find myself wanting more out of life.
I have never felt I belonged or ever felt at home anywhere, not while I was living in a foreign country with both my parents and sister while we were a family for a few years, or when I grew up in Brooklyn living with my mom and sister or even the last three years being on my own in both Myrtle Beach or in Miami. I’ve always felt misplaced. However, it took me a long time to grasp that home isn’t a place it’s people, and for me my home will always be the beautiful faces of my mother, sister and my close my family members. Home is the people you love who love you and I am still learning how to accept love. I don’t know if I will ever feel as though I am standing still and no longer have my feet not touch the ground. I am never fulfilled with any of my accomplishments because I never allow myself to feel comfortable and to be complacent but at the same time, I am stagnant in a sense where my life is a very lonely routine. I am a loner – I want to be alone while at the same time…I don’t want to be lonely, but I struggle with allowing people inside my life and keep them in it. I am extremely giving and I am fiercely loyal. I don’t celebrate my birthday it’s a day that makes me uncomfortable, and it actually makes me sad. I am used to everything being about other people, celebrating, supporting, comforting or cheering on others and I don’t allow anything to be about me or do anything that will call for attention, and I like it that way. I am meant to fade in the background. I am forgiving in some ways yet I am not forgiving in other ways. I cut people out of my life with no explanation because I hate confrontation, so I ignore them like they have never existed when they do something hurtful. It’s cold but it’s the way I cope. I am too trusting of others and that alone has left me exposed, betrayed and has me screwed me over time and time again.
I tend to repeat myself a lot because I always believe that I am not being heard. I have been carrying traumatizing events that have happened to me that I have not and would never tell a single soul. When I am mad at someone I cannot look them in the eyes. I am a great listener but it can get draining always being counted on for any and everything. I am a good friend to have but I have always had a tendency in choosing the wrong friends and I always end up being used. I thrive off of being needed and I am stubborn when it comes to needing anyone. I am sarcastic and believe that laughter is the greatest thing in the world! I struggle with depression and have contemplated suicide when I went through a really dark phase but I always held back because I think about how badly I want to see how life will turn out for me. I am morbid. I despise the word ‘dramatic’ because my family would call me that when I would show emotion while I was going through surgeries, my parents’ divorce, my sister’s issues, my father’s abandonment and other deep stuff, all while I was 12-16 years old. It has taught me to be very afraid of my feelings, be guarded and to always feel ashamed or guilty for how and what I feel. I love to write but I know I can a better writer.
I have had 12 surgeries on my lower back and I have scars on my forehead and back…it reminds me how strong I am but my scars make me feel weak. I get scared driving but I love to drive at night and blast hip hop music. I can be too opinionated and sometimes it ends up being taken the wrong way. I expect too much from others because of what I would and do for them. I have way too many pet peeves. I would rather say thank you too much than not enough. I say sorry too much when I shouldn’t. I am way too nice but I don’t know how not to be. I will always regret not getting my masters and not becoming a teacher. I am kind, passive, a pushover, naive and funny. I am obsessed collecting Buddha’s and I want to be a Buddhist. I am selfless and I need to be selfish at times. I don’t know how to say NO. I am insecure and I will always believe that I will never be worthy enough, skinny enough, pretty enough or good enough. My older sister and I share the same birthday – we are born on the same day two years apart and we are two different personalities. I am very OCD and need for things to be a certain way. I am my own worst enemy and everyone’s cheerleader. I am terrified of marriage due to my parents’ divorce and have convinced myself and others that I do not want to get married, but deep inside I have a deep desire to experience an engagement, wedding, marriage and love. I’ve never been told I love you by my father or a boyfriend. I hate lights and like to sit in the dark. I love staying in hotels. There is no in between with me; I either love you or dislike you. I either give you my all or give you nothing. I either talk too much or don’t talk at all. I love really hard and I can be really hard to love.
For so many years I have had the same exact dreams and they have become episodic. I won’t reveal what they are but it’s basically me having my own family. A lot of times I close my eyes so I can get away from realism to dream and just envision a life I want and not what I am currently living and what is chosen for me. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that things happen to us the way it is supposed to. I am terrified that the life I desperately want will always just be a culmination of dreams and I will end up with a life that was merely just meant for me. My ultimate dream is to publish a book of my poetry and journal entries. Another dream of mine is to build, design and decorate my dream house and to have a family along with a career. I want to gratify both my independence and maternal desires. I always dream of being a mother and it will be my biggest failure and wasted life if I don’t end up as one. My life hasn’t been easy but it’s also been beautiful; it’s been tough in a lot of heartbreaking ways and amazing in plenty of triumph ways, and the older I get the more I realize that I have never dealt with anything that has happened to me and I carry a lot that weighs heavy in my heart and thoughts. In a weird way, I always end up going to a place I always wanted to go, or get something I always wanted and once in a while moments happen exactly how I dream they would. I believe in speaking things into existence. I am not religious but I am spiritual and pray a lot. I am very traditional in a lot of ways and I am still saving myself for marriage. I am not afraid of being alone; I am only scared if I end up alone. I’ve been single all throughout my 20’s. I have always been the good girl and only had few innocent flings in High School and was in two situations; I dealt with an abusive older guy when I was 16 and I felt heartbreak when I was 18.
In spite of everything, I have done well for myself. I’ve always dreamed of leaving my hometown of Brooklyn, NY and move to Miami and follow in the same footsteps as my mother with a career in media advertising. I fell in love with Miami after visiting there when I was younger and for years I obsessed over moving there…but, I first moved out of my mom’s house at 22 years old and moved to Myrtle Beach, SC to finish school while working two jobs and be around close cousins. It was a good transition for me to be on my own for the first time surrounded with family before I made the big move….at 24 years old; I secured a job in advertising and made my way to Miami. Ah, I did it. The two main goals I have had have turned into a reality; all the hard work, the really bad days and patience have been worth it…what new goals should I have now? I am here…why am I still not fulfilled? It’s a journey I have been embarking on and hope to finally find all the answers so I can begin walking on a different path. A peaceful direction and a trail where my past is behind me, the absence of my father no longer troubles me, being open to love and allowing someone to love me, and where I am content and going along with anything that is or isn’t being thrown at me whether I want it or reluctant to accept. I want to be accepting and not question my existence and desperately try to design my purpose.
I am turning 26 years old in a few days and like any woman I am really struggling with turning 30 soon! I know it’s 4 years away and I believe in speaking things into existence. So here goes where I see myself by the time I am 30, and I won’t say I hope too it will be I know I will be: in 4 years from now I see myself thriving in a different position at the same job I work at now and I will be in either sales or PR. I’ll be financially secure. I’ll move from my studio apartment into a one bedroom with a balcony view of the ocean, finally decorate how I want, I would have met a wonderful man, we’ll be engaged and getting ready to wed. I will not be a 30 year old virgin! I’ll be a mom shortly after that. I’ll be traveling more; perhaps I’ll finally publish my poetry book. I’ll lose the weight that I gained due to my depression and hypothyroid. I’ll finally get my real estate license and be a realtor on the side. I’ll be a better writer and most of all; I’ll be a better person to others and to myself.
I know this is long and I have to stop myself because I can write for days. I have trouble speaking and articulating myself but I have no problem with typing away, as you can see! I hope this gives you an idea of who I am and who I am not. This is just a little snippet of me, like all of us we have so many layers to our personalities. I started this blog 5 years ago when I was working in an insurance office while in college to pass the time and for fun, and for years I haven’t been consistent and would publish posts on and off. When I started I named the blog Damita Ro only because I thought it had a nice ring to it and always wanted to own a boutique and wanted to name the store Damita Ro but as I got older I realize it doesn’t have a meaning and I like The Row better! My name is Rawan but I am always called Ro. The blog; It’s therapeutic, a hobby, good outlet to write whatever you want and not care if people read it or not and it’s time consuming when being a loner, all you have is time.
“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?” – Earnest Hemingway
“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.” – Stephan Chbosky
“The nicest thing for me is sleep because at least then I can dream.” – Marlyn Monroe