I was watching Snooki & J.Wow last night, and I found myself in tears. It was the episode where Nicole gives birth to her second child. Listening to her talk about how happy she is, how much she loves her kids and how she feels as though her life is now complete, really made me emotional. This is the life I want, these are the words I want to feel and this is a type of moment I have wanted to experience. The tears flowed heavier when I saw her mother going inside the delivery room when Snooki said I need my mom. I kept thinking about wanting this moment for my mother more than anything else. I want my mom to experience her daughter trying on wedding dresses and watching me walk down the aisle, I want my mom to hold my hand when I am giving birth and to be by my side as I transition from being her baby to a mother of my baby.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I picture myself pregnant and imagine how I would look instead. Whenever I hear of someone recently given birth, I envision what it would be like for me in the delivery room and when I see a mom with her kids, I tear up and pray that it will be me one day. Honest to God, I always get emotional when I see a baby and mother and every time I close my eyes to sleep, I create moments I imagine would be real when I have my husband and kids. I so dreadfully want faces to the names I have come up with for my future kids to come to life already. The next beautiful baby I see and hold; I want it to be my own. The next baby showers I attend, I want it to finally be for me.
There isn’t a day that passes by that I don’t think about or dream of having children. I have always wanted to be a mother, and as I get older I am in constant fear that time is running out. I turned 25 in July, and I am still struggling with that number, I am now in my late twenties, never been in love or in a relationship that lasted longer than 6 months, still a virgin and I am clearly neither close to marriage or having a child. I grew up thinking life was going to happen exactly how I imagined with a specific timeline. When I was in JHS to High School, I didn’t have time to be in a relationship and be a kid since I was having back to back operations and missing out on school and parties. I missed out on a childhood in many ways. I had one relationship that turned abusive and when I was in college, I had my first real heartbreak and became terrified of love and relationships. And I chose to stay a virgin and hold off till marriage, which is one of the biggest reasons why I haven’t been able to be in a meaningful and lasting relationship. These are all my choices. I chose to remain a virgin, because I believe in that fairy tale and saving yourself for your soul mate. I chose to no longer give men a chance due to a terrible heartbreak, not date and focus solely on having a career. I have been so scared of the idea of marriage, due to my parent’s divorce and I am a bundle of fears, with the biggest trepidation that I won’t get to hold a bundle of joy that is my own.
I have attended so many bridal showers, weddings, baby showers and kid birthday parties. When is it going to be for me? Is what I always question every time I sit in a table and celebrate another person’s life. All around me are friends who are in relationships, planning weddings and delivering babies. All my closest cousins are having children, and the new generation of cousins is getting to grow up together, while I am on the sidelines standing on my own in a standstill, watching these beautiful kids run around, envisioning myself chasing after my child, but only having lots of love to give the children that aren’t my own.
Most of all, I know my mother is questioning when these moments will happen for her daughters. She jokingly mentions how much of a looser I am for not having a boyfriend and how all her friends daughters are either in relationships or getting married. I know the next wedding she RSVP’s to, is yet another reminder that it isn’t a celebration of either one of her daughters, the next baby in our family that enters our lives, is another moment that passes her and not a single step closer to her becoming a grand-mother. Isn’t it crazy how fast time flies and one day, you are suddenly hit with all your regrets and reminders. I know I am still young, but society and families put so much pressure on you if you are a woman by a certain age and without a husband. Personally, I have put pressure on myself for establishing a career only, because I felt as though that is what I should focus more on, since being raised by a divorced single educated mother, and focus less on what I want and what I am scared to attain. I am a strong believer in destiny and that everything happens to us when it is supposed to happen. But you still can’t help ponder on how much you want and how little you really have.
More than anything in the world, I want to have children. My greatest fear is not having any, and continuing to live my life being idle. I also know I am holding myself back from saying NO to every man who ask me to go out with them, and staying home and wishing for a fuller life while feeling empty and wasting away in my apartment. I’ll figure out how to allow love in my life eventually, but in the meantime, I know once it all happens for me, all the wishes, dreams and hesitations I had, will all fade away and I’ll melt into my new reality. It is then, when life will begin for me and my existence will find its purpose. Oprah once said “You can have it all, just not at all once”. Maybe now, I am having it all by accomplishing my dreams, moving into my dream city and working in my dream job. You know, I used to think I didn’t have any regrets, because I didn’t do much and lived life by the rules but I do. Not so much about the choices I’ve made but in my actions. I feel as though I have such a good girl, with nothing to show for it. I should have learned how to forgive a long time ago. Maybe I would be on a different road. Then again, maybe not, maybe there are stages to your destiny and now mine is to conquer my fears, let go of the chains that are tying me down, be settled in my career and love myself as an individual. My deep desire for having a child will be fulfilled, my anger towards my father will be diminished and the desperation of a girl wanting her own family because her own family portrait ripped apart due to a demise of parents marriage and absence of a father, will be replaced with her own photograph of a family; a depiction of the faces I have tried to create will suddenly become real, and love, which is exactly what I have run from, will swiftly become a sensation that will full up my life and everything I have longed for will have found its way to me. I’ll stop running away from people, emotions and places, and have a home of my own where I’ll finally belong, after all.