Like a Non-Virgin: Making It through this Generation

Have you ever felt like you had nothing to contribute to a conversation? You sit in boredom as your girlfriends swap stories about sex, fretting over late periods, trying to get over their latest boyfriend or getting under a new man. You may find yourself either thinking of different ways to change the never-ending topic of sex in conversations, or you have skillfully mastered the art of tuning them out. But, you won’t be able to escape the moments where your mind will wander of the possibilities of getting older and still being a virgin.

Remember the movie 40-Year-Old-Virgin? That could be me, you begin to ponder. Questions and doubts will always linger about your choice and where it will or won’t lead you. Thoughts like “What if I don’t find the one who will respect my choice and I never get my happily ever after?  Or “Everyone around me is moving on with their lives, being in relationships, getting married and/or having babies, will that ever be me?” We are a rare breed of women who have remained true to ourselves and our choices—we cannot allow our fears as women scare us into having sex.

Yet, we often find ourselves on the outside looking in, wishing we can be as confident as these women who are in control of their bodies and secure with themselves. They exude confidence and after all, men choose them, not you. You want to have that heartbreak, don’t you? You want to have a story to tell and feel as though you fit in. You so badly want someone to love you for you, to love you enough where you don’t have to work on loving yourself. You want someone to reassure you that who you are and what you stand for, is extraordinary and appreciated. You can’t come to grips as to why this world is fueled with sex, why you are judged and made fun of for what you believe.

Being a virgin in this day and age, especially in your 20s, is a lot harder than you think. There are also so many misconceptions about virgins and so many excuses—it’s because she is ugly, she’s religious, she’s a nerd, she’s desperate, she can’t find a boyfriend, she’s a prude, the list goes on. Why does it have to be a negative connotation? I have been told that I am “too pretty and have too nice of a body” to be a virgin. What does that even mean? Newsflash! Virgins can still be sexy!

The ones who have remained virgins have made a choice, just like the ones who chose to give it up.

Every virgin is different and has different reasons for being one. Some are holding off for religious reasons, others simply don’t believe in premarital sex, some just haven’t found someone they trust with that kind of intimacy. They’re all likely putting it on hold because they are waiting for that special person or the right time. You’ll also have those who either regret losing it or have no regrets. In the end, it is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it something to judge other people for doing or not doing. There is no right or wrong, just what you feel is wrong or right for you.

Just recently there was a girl from Russia who auctioned off her virginity for $27,000. “Money is urgently needed, so I am selling the most treasured thing. I can come to a hotel with a certificate proving my innocence.” The 18 year old wrote on her auction website. How about this, a lovely mother of 14 children in Columbia tried to make ends meet by forcing her daughters into selling their virginity, as soon as they turn 12 years old, for a couple hundred dollars. Remember Natalie Dylan? The 22-year-old, who made headlines in 2009 for auctioning off her virginity on eBay for $3.7 million! She boldly stated “If virginity is considered that valuable, what’s to stop me from benefiting from that? It is mine, after all. And the value of my chastity is one level on which men cannot compete with me. I decided to flip the equation, and turn my virginity into something that allows me to gain power and opportunity from men. I took the ancient notation that a woman’s virginity is priceless and used it as a vehicle for capitalism.” Finally, the beautiful Olympic athlete LoLo Jones received a lot of attention after openly discussing her virginity on Twitter. “Here are two things that happen when you tell a guy you’re a virgin, this is the honest truth. One, you tell them and they say “oh, ok I respect that.” But you can already see in their eyes that they’re thinking, “she’s lying about it, and I’ll crack it.” So, we’ll talk usually one to three months, till they realize I was serious and that it is time for them to exist. When I was 22, 24 it was cute. But 24-29 it’s not cute! You get judged a lot.” She was right on point and unfortunately many of us relate to her experience! She also stated that being a virgin is “harder than training for the Olympics.”[And I thought curing my hair is too hard]

In America there seems to be a stigma with being a virgin, especially if you are in college. We can all agree that our generation is centered on sex and that sex is now a commodity. Sexual relationships, one night stands, friends with benefits and so on are embraced and sex is no longer sacred. Sex is just sex and if you aren’t doing it, society will constantly remind you of why you should. There is also this idea of college being all about partying, drinking, having fun and partaking in sexual activities. So where does the virgin fit in? Why are we frowned upon due to some of us choosing not to indulge in one of the four staples of college life? Some of us have traditional souls while living in a very nontraditional world. Sex is being idolized everywhere, in the media, from our artists and the music we listen to everyday. The movies, our favorite TV shows, social media and in daily conversations. Now more than ever young girls of this generation are feeling the pressure and feel the need to explore their sexuality. In High School it is expected of you to lose it, if you haven’t yet then you’ll be forced to lie about it to spare yourself the judgment and jokes, and when you are a virgin in college, it is extremely hard for people to believe you and they begin to question you’re character. What we fail to realize is that it’s OUR body and no one should make us feel undone and as objects. As women we need to love and learn our bodies, not give it to someone who will learn to love it for their enjoyment. Something that is sacred to our body is also something very powerful that we possess. Don’t let anyone make you scared of that power, take advantage of you or make you change your morals.

Emotional maturity and integrity is a big part of purity as well. As a woman your mindset will be: I believe that I shouldn’t be doing for another man, what only my husband should experience. My body and my heart will belong to him and my soul should only intertwine with my husband. As for the men, too many women should not have experienced the care and affection that only your wife should experience, too many women should not have heard you say the words that only your wife should hear, and too many women should not have received pieces of you, only your wife should be the one to have all of you. You may not be able to give your virginity to your wife, but you can give her your purity. Consider the beauty of a godly women accepting this truth about you and forgiving you anyway, she has waited so long for you to be her first, knowing very well she’ll be your very last. Indeed, you will have respect for a holy woman, but you’ll still go after the hoes. #JustSaying. We won’t even discuss the double standards; instead I want to urge you men, to allow yourself the chance to get to know a girl who will tell you she is a virgin, before you back away from her. Instead of wanting to undress her clothes instantly, take the time to undress her eyes and connect with her spiritually and emotionally.

I can’t tell you not to feel embarrassed or resentful for the judgment you’ve received for abstaining from sex. I can’t tell you how to feel, just like no one can make you do anything you don’t want to do. What I can share with you, is that with growth comes self-acceptance and wisdom. You will soon begin to feel proud of your choices – good or bad, after all they made you who you are today. I commend you for your strength, patience and perseverance. We can’t wait for the world to change; we sure as hell can’t try to change ourselves to fit in it either.

As women we cannot allow our fears and expectations put us in a halt into becoming the women we want to be, not who we think we should be. Our society will forever remind us that we aren’t skinny or pretty enough, we aren’t sexual or prude enough. Being accomplished isn’t being a certain age where you beat the expiration date of being a wife, mother or even being sexually active. Accomplish your dreams, degrees and stand up for your beliefs.  There is so much pressure for us women, can you imagine for these young girls today? We need to guide and influence them to make better choices and be aware of the consequences. Yet, how can we? When we can be guilty ourselves by hiding behind our choices and shying away from admitting we are virgins. How can we explain it to them when they are watching famous women like Kim Kardashian, Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus be rewarded and celebrated for oozing sex appeal, getting naked, releasing sex tapes and dressing provocatively. Look at how many young girls are becoming teenage mothers, most of them are so fearful of losing the men in their life, not realizing they are losing themselves. We need to find our voices, be heard in this generation and not allow for our bodies and our choices with it define who we are. Every girl whether she is a virgin or not thinks about sex, let us take control of our thoughts and be reminded of our power. As the sex-driven world we live in today is telling us everything that is wrong with us, let’s create our own world and chant everything that is right with us!

Being a 24-year-old virgin, I must admit that there is something gratifying to be able to say that I am still a virgin. The reaction is always disbelief, but after much convincing it turns into shock. A lot of questions are asked and a huge level of respect is welcomed. They also learn that virgins don’t have to look a certain way, goes back to the misconceptions! Older adults congratulate you with a pat on the back; you are basically getting petted like an animal for good behavior! Adults your age are amazed and share with you if they do or don’t regret loosing theirs and it opens the door for great conversations. Young girls look up to you and men are delightfully intrigued.

Contrary to some people’s opinions about virgins, we don’t have a hard time going on dates, but we do have a hard time finding a guy with good morals and is willing to wait. Some of you are still hopeful in meeting a guy who will appreciate and respect your choice (good luck with that boo-boo, #justsaying). If you do, I would tell him from the beginning that you are not sexually active in any way. Guys automatically assume that none of us aren’t, therefor they don’t even ask! Instead they choose to take the lead when they feel is right, do not mislead them, it is deceitful.  A lie of omission isn’t a great way to begin a relationship. If everything seems to be going well, maybe on date 3 or 4, casually mention it to him. If he sticks with you after you drop a bomb on him, you have found yourself a keeper with good intentions and who is aware of your standards. If he bails, hold off on your grenade, and say good riddance! (I mean…what did you expect!? #Kidding #ButNotKidding)

Please don’t be in a huge hurry to catch up to your sex-capading girlfriends, who think they are Samantha from Sex & the City. Right now, as absurd as it may be, being a virgin may feel like a heavy burden but being sexually active is undeniably accompanied by an abundant of heavier consequence. Do not settle, be patient, know that you are worth waiting for and retain your innocence; because once it’s gone, you can never get it back…unless you do vaginal rejuvenation.

“Being a virgin in this and age is something to be proud of. You’re like a unicorn”! – Community, TV Show.

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