A Saint In Hell:
He was so mysterious,
Never thought he would bring me so much misery.
He was cold,
And I froze for him.
He was sour,
I was too sweet.
It’s as if he didn’t feel I deserved to get his good days,
I was only worthy of all the bad,
He bottled them all up for me, and would explode
I was left picking up the pieces, it was a heavy load.
He would hung up on me,
Whenever I said things he didn’t like.
Always agreed, so we wouldn’t fight.
Knew all along, this wasn’t right.
He would call me names,
I was just a prop in his game.
I was never worthy to be taken out on a date,
He would pick me up, and we would just sit in his car.
Never went anywhere far,
All he did was pick me apart.
And our time together, never lasted for long.
Convincing myself, he is where I belong.
He was always in the wrong,
Yet I was always the one with all the sorry’s.
Did everything right, so he would never have to worry.
He dimmed my light, his anger was the only thing that shined bright.
We met in January,
Had our first and last kiss in February,
By March, I swore he forgot my first name,
Always calling me bitch, asshole and other things.
By April, we stopped talking,
In June, back to his car, I was walking.
I would greet him with a kiss on his cheek every time,
Always feeling like I was being punished for a crime.
I would do my best to make him smile,
But nothing was ever good enough,
I was in a journey trying to get through his mind.
Convinced myself, he cared for me
Because he kept coming back to hurt me.
He never pressured me into anything
Isn’t this how it should be?
You have to go through it all,
I had to accept his flaws,
We both had broken souls.
This had to be what love is like,
The first man I ever fall for, I gave it my all.
We never I said I love you’s,
Seems like I am not the girl to be worthy of that
Besides, I was never used to hearing that from a man,
His emotional abuse, I was numb too,
but what came next, was never in my plans…
In July, we were cruising down on a summer night
He was finally taking me out,
He didn’t even have a pout.
Found out he wanted to take me to a hotel,
I panicked, this became my living hell.
Funny how things changed;
I was now the one filled with anger, and he had nothing to say
Funny how it goes, his silence, scared me more than his words
I was now holding his sword.
The song Temperature was playing on the radio,
I remember everything about that night,
The slap on my face, was our last fight.
He slapped me.
All because I refused to have sex..
As women, we are not objects, our morals we must protect.
I gave him my kindness, he abused my weakness,
he was never going to take my innocence.
He never asked me if I was, so I never told him.
Maybe, we both were wrong.
Foolish of me to think, any man would want me without the physical,
I thought I found the right one,
He made me stop being cynical,
I thought he cared, so I took all the critical.
Maybe to him, I was worth the wait,
wasted time, it didn’t go his way,
No matter how weak I was to him, I was too strong as a woman.
For once, I had the power and he was the one powerless.
So I felt his hand across my cheek,
Not a word, not a peep.
We went through all the pits, I was never going to get any peaks.
I put my head down, began to weep.
Waiting for more, as the car sped off.
He opened the door, I wasn’t welcome here anymore.
He tried to kick me out while speeding on a high way,
Truly thought this was going to be the death of me.
A saint died with a demon,
this would be my tragedy.
I refused to leave, I bet he didn’t think I had that in me.
I finally stood up, and he couldn’t stomp me down.
It finally stopped and he took off,
He took my broken heart, but I left with my dignity.
He is not where I belonged, no not anymore.
Convinced myself, I deserve much more.
I was his muse, that he could abuse.
I wanted him to love me, so I didn’t have to love myself.
We were drowning in our own despair.
Away from each other, we had to repair
We were too toxic together, we made for stormy weathers.
Our worlds collided, but our stars weren’t aligned,
We were doomed, we were filled with gloom’s.
We finished before we could even begin,
We were nothing, we couldn’t get through anything,
It shouldn’t be this hard to prove to someone you are everything.
All our memories were in his car…oh, the irony.
We crashed, and we went up in flames,
Nothing of each other remained.
I finally took the mask off to breathe.
He suffocated me emotionally,
We had to let it be..
To this day, I still see him in my dreams,
wondering what we could have been.
You know, he came back to me again,
Even thought of starting all over again…as friends.
Maybe I can help him, be there for him,
to show him that someone truly cared…
With me, he never had to be scared.
I built up walls because of him,
knew that never again would I ever fall.
And here I was, still trying to break down his walls,
I still wanted to be his safe place,
Didn’t matter if because of him I went to a dark space.
He told me how much his life has changed,
He has a son now, and another one on the way…
He has a wife now too, I asked how was she like,
He told me she isn’t what he wanted,
the baby forced them to be united
she makes him mad, he beats her up, it was all too sad
her black eye is making her blind,
never even said how he wish he could rewind,
He had no remorse, none of his actions ever took its course
This man was now how I had wanted him to be, open
with all his vulnerability, and honesty
he was allowing me inside his darkness,
but I no longer wanted to be his light
Our story I concealed, this secret weighed heavy on me.
He reminded me how I still had to heal
He now became weak, he needed to hold on to me.
I never understood why he got to be anyone he wanted to be,
And I had to be me, the one to take all that he had to give,
but I wouldn’t give in, not time..
He didn’t want me, no not at all,
I was just his stupid doll.
And it was not only him, but myself I had forgive.
He was a nightmare, I couldn’t re-live.
I finally unsolved his mystery,
This was a man who stood tall,
He was dark and I tried to get inside,
But that’s where all his demons would hide.
He chose me to make his hell a home.
I was a saint, he was the devil.
I was heaven, I went through his hell.
I took it all, went under his spell.
I chose to be a prisoner in his cell.
When I remember his face, it haunts,
the story of my first love will always leave me gaunt
I hear his name and my heart swells,
I know now, we both needed to get well.
rowan; the row