My Poem: Brooklyn & Me

Brooklyn made me
Brooklyn raised me.
But Brooklyn wasn’t meant for me.
Never felt I belonged,
thinking of a way out, all along.
New York, New York the city of dreams
but nothing is ever what it seems.
Everyone is all talk,
I was the brave one who made the walk.
Everyone wanted to leave,
fearing of what could be.
I took control of my destiny.
It just wasn’t for me.

Friends all wanted to party,
I wanted to study.
I chose to stay home wishing I could be like them.
Looking at their pictures, seeing them all having fun.
As they danced to all the songs, I would sit alone writing my poems.
Trying to search for myself through any of them,
I couldn’t connect, I lacked the confidence.
No one could understand, so all I did was offer my hand.
My feelings I banned, so stoic as I would stand.
I knew I was missing out on so much,
I was always out of touch.
I would go to sleep with hopes and dreams,
But I was waking up being reminded of all my failures.
Made all the wrong decisions in school, why did I make it so tough?
Never believing in myself, even when things got rough.
I always held back my cool, now I am left with all the wounds.
I no longer had it in me
My back was starting to finally break from all these surgeries.
My mind couldn’t be sane from all these breakdowns
All my anxiety and insecurities I tried to take down.
I finally hit the ground.
Doctors save me, all my regrets forsake me.
I’ve been dodging all the blows that has been thrown at me
I got tired of fighting,
seeking solace through writing.
Never ever gave up, but something had to give.
It was me, myself I had to forgive.

You see, I held on to my dreams.
Used to rush to sleep, so I could escape reality.
Isolated myself from society,
I fell deep in a depression
Barely had any aggression
I was just floating in the air, trying to breathe
I had to fit the floor eventually.
Somehow along the way, I died in Brooklyn.
All I wanted was to be in peace, not in pieces.
Brooklyn made me, but my affair ended with it when it broke me.
You’ll find pieces of me left in Bay Ridge still
searching for peace within every time I crossed that bridge.
Still in awe of my city’s skyline views,
but I longed for something new.

July 31, 1989 I was born in Brooklyn, it will always be home
April 20,2012 I left, anywhere else I wanted to roam.
All the memories I left behind,
can’t allow myself to go back in time.
From trying to save my sister, to caring for my mother..
They were suffering, I was surviving.
I had to be strong through it all,
had to catch them every time they would fall.
Our lives at that Brownstone apartment was full of thunderstorms,
I would pray for sunny skies, just wanted to see my mother smile.
She was my sunshine, sometimes my sister would make it pour.
After all the gloom’s, I tried to be the moon
I wanted them to see the light after all the darkness.
So much strength we all posses.
I would look up to the sky
always worrying for them, so many times I just wanted to fly.
Searching for the signs.
Through triumph, we soared.
Those two, I adore.
Together we weathered all the storms.
My therapist told me, I fell apart when they no longer needed me.
They moved on, but I wanted to hold on.
To just us three, their souls were my home.
I found myself broken on my bedroom floor,
realizing I had come so far, with nothing of my own.
All these dreams, yet I’ve achieved nothing.
No love of my own to run to, no one I had left to turn to
It was then I knew, I had to take control of my life
I had to pull out that knife
that was wearing me down,
I had to flee town.
Begging Mama please allow me to leave.
I had to take care of me, it was up to me to make things be.
I did everything right, now I am left haunted by all my wrongs.
Wondering who I am? All along.
How come home is not where I belong?

So now I find myself in the South,
so many words won’t come out of my mouth.
You see, reality hasn’t hit me.
Did I really leave?
How am I even here?
Being here has never felt real.
This is not where I intended to be.
These are my growing pains,
knowing I have so much growth to gain.
So much I had to deal with,
no longer believing in all the myths
Everything I learned from,
even more mistakes I was ashamed of.
It’s me, myself I have to love.
Sometimes we crash and we burn,
I crashed my car, felt the flames of all my fears
Even had another eye opening attack from my anxiety.
Getting stronger through all my tears.
One day I’ll look back, and tell my story as I go through the years.

All these bills on my desk,
keeps telling me I am on my own.
I now have to be so grown,
my mother is all I have ever known.
And everyday I call her
and even when it’s not, I tell her everything is alright.
Still wishing we can go back to how we were.
I find myself kneeling by my bed to pray,
pleading to keep all the troubles at bay.
You see, I am still holding on to my dreams.
Believing nothing I want is out of reach.
Learning the hard way, sometimes we just have to let things be.
Can’t plan life, I can’t rush the time.
I am still in my prime.
My destiny will be bigger than my dreams,
is what I chose to believe.
I step outside my house,
it will never feel like home.
I see a car I own, a house I pay for
I am only 24.
for once, I allow myself to feel proud.
Feeling the drift, just like the clouds.
I’ve been doing this all on my own, I am not the same as I was before.
I still look up to the sky,
still have that urge to fly.
I still don’t feel I belong, knowing I won’t be here for long.
I think about my mother and sister,
always wondering if they forget to remember me.
Thoughts of my father, they no longer haunt me.
He wasn’t who he was supposed to be,
funny how the same goes for me.
I am still working on the woman I want to be.
Convincing myself everything happens for a reason,
as I fight and bury all my demons.

It’s not about the destination,
it’s about the journey.
Isn’t that so? Well, here I go.
Through all the bumps on the road,
to all the blessings my God showed.
After a year and so,
back home I had to go.
There I was now standing on my old bedroom floor,
the same place I tore myself apart,
I can feel every beat in my heart.
I see pieces of my past shattered everywhere,
as I gasp for air.
Remembering all the times I wanted to pack and walk out that door.
If these walls could speak,
all the good and bad memories started to peak.
I wasted my life away in that bedroom,
now it’s just a room with a bed.
So many thoughts running through my head.
I paralyzed my youth,
searching for my truth.
Out to the city I should have been,
to it’s history and streets I should have explored,
how did I not make my time here meaningful? I am still floored.
As I walked through the hallways,
all these flashbacks will be with me for always.
I regret leaving home too soon,
yet I still wouldn’t change a tune.
Brooklyn is my past, the beach is my present
my future is up to me.
I ended up where I needed to be.
What confused me is no where felt home,
not here nor there.
Again, I question where I belong?
What am I on this earth for?
I realized now that home is not a place,
home is my mother’s face,
home is my sister’s smile.
We just needed our own space,
to grow and be the women we had to be.
I love seeing my mother finally be happy,
There he is, all along I have prayed for Danny.
still praying for my sisters happiness, no more snappiness.
I pray for her to see just how special and beautiful she is
We shared too many painful memories, just us three.
In my heart they will always be, they are all of me.
But there is more to me than these ladies, is what I had to learn.
my own self-love, is what I had to earn.

Brooklyn made my life,
walking these avenues and streets
is where I used to be.
Hopping on the R and N trains,
walking through the snow, rain and back again.
Myrtle Beach revived me back to life,
the waves of the ocean now sings to me,
such a peaceful melody, for now this is where I need to be.
What’s next for me, only God knows.
All the pain I have endured,
my strength, I have showed.
You know, I just learned to let things go.
Living in Miami is such a dream,
Always felt that is where I am supposed to be.
but I know everywhere you go
nothing is ever what it seems.
It’s what you look for is what you will seek
And I am still searching for me,
not try to be who I think I should be.
I am such an old soul, trying to be whole.
Oh, Brooklyn if I can only be reborn..
One day I’ll come back to you for my final days to mourn.
Wonder what you will say on my tombstone
In many many years from now,
reunited my mother, sister and me will be.
Somewhere in a cemetery, again just us three.
Side by side, we will always be.
I’ll never know why I felt as though I never belonged,
Somewhere, anywhere to feel like home, is what I long for.
Brooklyn you made me to be so strong.
My mother delivered me into your world
Oh it all feels like a whirl
Brooklyn I’ll always be your daughter, you chose me..
Why weren’t you meant for me? I guess my story with you just couldn’t be..
But everywhere I go, I’ll tell them about Brooklyn and Me.

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