My Poem: I Don’t Know

I don’t remember the color of his eyes.
I don’t remember the sound of his voice.
Is he soft-spoken? Do the color of his eyes change?
I don’t know what makes him mad.
I don’t know what makes him sad.
What causes him to become angry? What makes him happy? Is he happy?
What’s his favorite sport? Does he still watch wrestling?
We used to always watch it, do you think he remembers? I think he does.
I’ll tell him how every time life knocked me down I got up quickly and dusted off my shoulders.
No matter how many times I lost and failed, I found the courage to feel like a winner and aim to succeed.
He doesn’t know my dreams, who I am nor does he know who I want to be.

How is he like as a father to his new children?
Do one of them look like me? Dark eyes with brown waves or like my sister with her beautiful green eyes and blond curls.
I hope he has the best of times with them and he never leaves them.
Sometimes I wish I could meet them.But in my heart, I don’t ever want to see them.

I don’t know about his ways, his bad habits and good traits.
I don’t know about his story, where he came from, where he has been and where he is now.

I never got to hold his hand while walking to school or down the street for some ice cream.
I never got to run to him whether I was scared of something or just wanted to for nothing.
I never got to argue or make up with him.
I never got to write him a card or buy him a birthday gift.
Oh! how I have to tell him about my 21st in Vegas.
I never got to celebrate father’s day.
Sometimes I would walk down the aisles and wish I can pick him out a tie.
Does he even wear a suit and tie?
I never got to text him a I love you or be home soon.
I never had him yell at me for curfew or bad grades.
He didn’t teach me how to drive or dive.
I broke down so many times over him, I’ve been drowning. All because of him.

I missed his presence, I just felt his absence.
I missed his advice, I just felt his silence.

I only had a few years with him.
After all the years, how has he aged? Is he bold? Is he grey?
How old is he?
I only have one vivid memory of him.
I will carry it with me, along with the burden he gave me.
I only thought I deserved to have him in my life, he was meant to be my hero and all he has been was a no-show.

He won’t walk me down the aisle. Will he even be there to watch me as a woman walking towards the man who will pick up my broken pieces that he caused.
He won’t share a dance with me on my wedding day.
Oh my, will that day ever even come?
He left me as a little girl, will I grow to become a woman scorned?
He won’t see my children, he barely made childhood memories with his own.
He won’t be there now because he never was there before.
What should I tell my children about their grandfather? Do I even mention him at all?
He’s still alive and is somewhere living in the world.
But you see, he isn’t alive in my life.
He is out of sight, always on my mind.
Somewhere in a crushed world, there’s his little girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders trying to find peace through her broken pieces.

I looked for him everywhere.
In school graduations and functions, in all my bad days and good days,
in hospital hallways and in operation rooms.
I waited for him. I told myself he would come for me time and time again.
I needed him. To wipe away my tears and to cheer me on, over and over again
I missed him. In every way. In ways I don’t know but in countless ways I know I deserved.

I stopped looking for him, tried to stop thinking about him. Why should I? Superman never came to save me.
I stopped wondering about him, never asked about him. It only led me to wander everywhere else but to find myself.
I was lost, he never found me.
I was broken, he broke me.
I needed love, he never defined it for me.
I needed to know my worth, he showed me how worthless I was.
I needed a male force in my life, to guide me and protect me.
To shield me from harm and help me weather all the storms but he has been mother nature in my life, what a powerful force.
There are days its sunny and I don’t think of him at all and other times there’s a black cloud hovering over me and the thought of him makes it pour.

I don’t know about him.
All I know is, he doesn’t know me.
He left me as a little girl, and I am growing into a woman.
I left him as daddy, and he is now just a father to me.
He is a part of me, and I am a part of him.
There are pieces of me that are scattered around, will he help me put them together?
Somewhere along the way, I’ll see him again.
Somewhere far away, he is thinking about me.
I won’t tell him how much I swam through the waves hoping for him to save me before I drown.
I will get to know him. He’ll give me advice and we’ll share laughs.
I’ll get to know of his bad habits, do you think we’ll have the same traits?
I think he worries a lot like me. Mama always told me so.
She calls me a worrier but I am more of a warrior.
Somewhere, anywhere, elsewhere he is looking for me too, wanting to know who I have become.
Somehow, some way I will forgive him but I can’t promise to forget.
One day, any day I’ll get to tell you…I know what the color of his eyes are, they change when he is wearing blue.
And, and on that day I won’t be feeling the blues anymore.
That day, I’ll get to tell you what his voice sounds like and what he smells like.
I think he is soft-spoken, I am too.
I think he is funny, because I am too.
I think his arms are waiting for me too.
I’ll finally get to have the moment where I will run to him.
That’s all I ever wanted.
The little girl inside of me is just yearning to be held, I want to hear him say he’ll never let me go and allow me to hug him tight because I know what it feels like when he goes.
I will let him dry my tears.
I won’t tell him how much of them he has caused me to shed.
I will allow him to see all my scars and I’ll tell him how strong I have been.

Right now, I don’t know him.
Later on, all I will know will be him.
Someday, some way.
Anywhere, everywhere.
One day, any day.
I’ll get to know my father and he will get to know his daughter.
And on that day, he will run to me.
I will have to wipe away his tears.
And on that day, I will pray I can forgive him, if just he could come to find me.
I will be waiting.
I learned to be a super-woman because I don’t believe in a superman.
I will catch him, if only he is willing to fall into me.

I don’t know my father.
My father doesn’t know me.
All I know is one day, somehow, some way…we’ll get to know of each other.
No longer from baby to daddy, but from woman to father.
I wish I can remember how he looks like.
I wonder if I look like him, does he remember how much I love fashion?
Do I tell him about my first heartbreak?
No..second, because he was the first to break my heart.
Funny how that goes, he was half the reason I even have a heart beat.
Oh! Will there be so much to catch up on.
My, how time flies by.
Just yesterday I was 11 years old with my daddy, and now today I am 24 years old with daddy issues.

I’ll redefine my definition of love.
No matter how long love leaves, if it comes back it’s meant to be.
Will he ever come back for me?
Is a father meant for me?
Boy, not even the ocean is big enough to explain the love I have for my mother.
She’s been everything to me. Enough of one parent, I don’t need two.
Hey! Do you think we look a like? I think we do too.
He’ll get to tell me all the why’s and how’s.
He’ll finally get to tell me about his childhood,
I won’t remind him how much of mine he has missed.

I want to kiss his cheeks and see if he has a beard.
I remember he used to have a mustache. I wonder if he still wears glasses.
I’ll tell him how much I love taking pictures.
I’ll snap a photo of him, one I can keep forever and always.
I just want a photo.
Even way back then, my mother never got the chance to snap a picture of us two.
Maybe that’s why I love pictures so, because I know how important it is to hold on to a moment.
I remember he was tall and he used to smoke a lot.
One day, he’ll see I am not that tall, just like my mama and will be happy to know I never smoked, unlike my sister.
We don’t know each other as we are now, we only know how it was.
Will he want to hold me in his arms and hold my hand?
Oh, how I wish he will. Please, say he will.
All I want is one moment to remember with my father.

I almost forgot to tell you, I saw him several years ago.
I told him how much his absence has affected me, I asked where he was.
Why didn’t he ever come for me? I was having surgeries.
I wasn’t healthy, he didn’t even care to try to revive me.
He said I shouldn’t blame him.
All I wanted to hear was an I am sorry.
That day came, and I choose to forget.
I hated that moment.
There he goes, breaking me apart again.
He such a power over me, yet he isn’t even in my life.
I don’t have a relationship with him, I just have wounds.
Yet, he is the only one who can make me whole.
I want another moment. I deserve another moment.
I don’t love him, I don’t hate him. I don’t know him well enough to like him.
Him, him, him. It should be about me.
This time, I won’t look for an apology.
I’ll accept him, so I can accept me.
I’ll forgive him, so I can forgive me.
I’ll try to love him, so I can begin to love me.

We will know each other again.
And that is all I know.


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