Quote of the day

“I don’t know how marriage works. If you’re raised by a married couple, you see how they interact; their good days, their bad days, how they work through things – you see the love. I wasn’t brought up like that and I still don’t know to do it. I never saw my parents relationship up-close, so every time I’ve been in a relationship I haven’t known what to do and that’s really scared me.”
SeanDiddy‘ Combs

Wow! I totally relate to this, I feel like he said exactly how I feel about marriage and commitment. I don’t know how marriage works either, even when my parents were married I never saw or felt love between them, they were two different people. My father was calm and my mother was a storm, she wanted sunshine and waited in misery for my father’s dark cloud to pass, he was quiet and she was loud, my mother knew there was more to life and was unhappy, while my father was to himself and never tried to make her happy. There was always sadness in my mother’s eyes; I always knew they didn’t belong together. Regardless of their unhappiness, they were amazing parents. They both always put us first, always would do anything and everything to make us happy and they were a good parenting team. They finally ended up divorcing after 11 years of marriage. Long story short: we moved back to the states without him, it was just my mother, my sister and me. My mother was never the type of woman to sit at  home, she was always a workaholic, a go-getter and very independent, she was a  teacher overseas and her degrees and past work experience allowed her to dive right back in soon after we moved back. She never missed a beat as she knew life was changing for us, she became a divorcee playing the roles of both parents and knowing my sister and me are all she has and vice versa. She worked so hard to provide for her us, gave us everything even when she had nothing. My father visited once right before they divorced, we went on our first family vacation together to Florida. My mom divorced him and he divorced his daughters. My sister and I traveled two summers to be with him and then he ended up getting re-married, we weren’t invited to his wedding and he now has three children. I have only seen him once the past 12 years.

So, I never saw how marriage works, never saw how two people interact and how they go through their ups and downs and get through them all. I wasn’t brought up like that; I only saw the negative side of marriage and to always keep everything bottled inside. I used to and still always look at my aunt and uncle who have been married for over 30 years and would be so amazed on how they are still together. I find myself to be so fascinated by marriage that has lasted, how two people can stay committed and work together through everything and how love still exists. I never got to see, feel or even want it so I find myself staring like a little child when I am around married couples and families. I see a portrait that I never had. I see a man who is a husband and a father and I always try to picture myself as the little girl who is holding his hand walking with both parents by my side. It’s a dream I will always have no matter how old I am, I so badly wanted to be daddy’s little girl and it doesn’t get easier as you get older because I am constantly reminded of my parents divorce, my father’s absence and jaded by love that I never saw and scared to have. My mother never remarried, she chose to live for us and continued to put us before her happiness. Many nights my sister and I would hear my mother crying in her room and many times I have walked in the living room just to see her sitting in the dark alone just crying in a corner. It would break my heart and these are moments that I can never forget. She was broken, frozen and I couldn’t do anything to revive her back to life and make her happy. My sister had demons inside and it was hell for us. She went on a very dark twisted path and I had two broken souls in front of me and I had to save them. My life revolved around them, I had to be strong for them, I had to be there for them and I had to be the string that pulled my family together. Then I got really sick and ended up having 12 surgeries and everything else has been a blur, so much has happened, we weathered so many storms and endured things no one will ever know or understand.  My mother had the whole weight of the world on her shoulders and my father was no where around. Now I look back and say we made it, we pulled through and there is nothing we can’t get through. I see how successful my mother has become and how happy she is becoming. My sister is starting her career still trying to find herself after all that she has endured and I am starting my life. We have come so far and all the blessings we have had makes me so thankful for all the pain because without it we wouldn’t appreciate all the good we have. I am proud of them, I am proud of us.

I believe in marriage, I believe it can be something beautiful and ever lasting but I am too scared of it. My experience with marriage and divorce has left me very guarded and scarred. I am too scared of falling in love and having a family I always longed for to only be torn apart, I am scared if I fall out of love and the family I always dreamed of won’t happen. I am scared to give my heart to a man to watch him walk out of my life-like my father did. I am scared to get married, put in years and build a life and family together to end up divorced, alone and raising children by myself like my mother. I have never allowed myself to fall in love and be in a real relationship. I can’t find it in me to allow myself to give love a chance and the relationships I have been in weren’t healthy. I don’t feel worthy of a mans love, I don’t feel deserving of love and I don’t want love to destroy me like it has already. Who knows what the future will hold for me, maybe I’ll end up married with children and live happily ever after, maybe I’ll end up divorced with children and spend the rest of my life picking up the broken pieces or maybe I’ll never be married, never have a chance of true love and get to have a man in my life that makes me feel worthy and put the pieces back together that were broken because of my father. I don’t know what the future holds, the unknown is scary but all I know is I want a family of my own and I would rather risk it and put faith in marriage than to not and live the rest of my life wondering what ifs and dwell on my parents mistakes. I have to believe that my parent’s marriage wasn’t mean to be forever but it was for a moment in time where they made my sister and me and after that their story had to end. I have to trust that it was a learning lesson for all of us and everything had to fall apart for better things to happen.

– What are your views on marriage? I’d love to know.

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