Quote of the day

    “Growing up, I could eat anything, but the minute I hit 22, I stopped dancing and kept eating whatever I wanted, and I gained weight. Then I started reading [critical] comments in blogs. That freaks you out and you get caught up in it. But if I deprive myself, I end up binge eating. I didn’t want to do that. Now if I want something, I’ll have it and I won’t feel guilty. Then the next day I won’t crave it.”
    – Julianne Hough

Ugh she’s so right! I am such a binge eater. I deprive myself and make myself starve to get used the hunger feeling but all it does is make me even hungrier and want to eat and suddenly craving everything! I always feel guilty for eating and I hate myself every time I do. I am telling myself I don’t need to buy this and eat it but then I do, then I regret it and I don’t get why I buy it! Food isn’t my only enemy, I am my own worst enemy. I try to eat healthy and I do good for a few days then I ruin it because I am depriving myself. I have to watch what I eat because I have Thyroid and I gain weight regardless of eating healthy or not. It’s hard and it’s a constant battle. You assume that by starving yourself you will lose weight but it’s not easy as you may think it is. I went to a nutritionist but she was giving me pills that were making me sick and it was costing too much money. Not only am I my own harsh critic but I hear comments from my mother, family and society. I am always compared to how my body used to be two years ago and to now because of gaining 22 pounds. I am 21 years old and I know I need to be in the best shape of my life and I am scared I am going to wake up one day huge and lose my shape completely. I want my body back, I want my self-esteem, compliments and peace of mind back. I always question how aren’t I anorexic by now because of all the crap I hear about my weight gain, but I found comfort in food through the depression I had a little while ago and all the negativity I hear today. I have a love and hate relationship with food. I love it when I am craving it and hate it after I eat it. It’s hard to go from constant positive compliments about your body and being compared to bodies like Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez to negative comments about how you need to get your body back, lose weight and how pretty I will look again because this is not me and it’s not how I should look like. I’m always dreaming about how I will have a dramatic weight loss and the attention I will receive from everyone but I wake up and I can’t look at the mirror and I wear clothes I don’t like to not have to think about it. I go to sleep in a diet and I wake up a failure. I turn 22 this year and I made a promise to myself to not only to lose the extra 22 pounds but to double it and lose 44 pounds and make myself and mother proud…mostly live again, be happy and find peace of mind.


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