I’ve been inspired throughout my life by special circumstances and unique experiences. This is my foundation … the family holidays and celebrations with my maternal lineage, my mothers supportive smiles in audiences at school programs, her guiding hand through every operation I had to endure, she was the only face I saw after waking up and before going to sleep in hospital beds and during my recoveries at home.
I grew up without my father, an irreplaceable force and influence that was absent in my life. I watched other kids enjoy the embrace of theirs, and I searched for a way to reconcile the meaning of my own circumstance. Despite my pain, I’ve imagined a life as a good daughter with out my father. Playing in school activities, graduations and all of the things that any father would expect his daughter to do and be there for, I’ve done. I’ve stood in front of audiences to receive awards and diplomas. I heard their applause and praise. But, the accolades have been absent of the sound of his clapping hands and encouraging words … his voice that I could distinguish in my sleep. Where has he been?
Now, I reflect on the journey, the pain, the challenges, and the triumphs through my growth. I’m reconciled as a woman, no longer a girl. Throughout my life, I’ve always wondered about him; Where he was? What was he doing? and most importantly, was he even thinking about me? Why didn’t he care enough about me to be there for me when I needed him? The absence of my father has given me a better understanding of what type of man I will look for in a husband and a father to my unborn children. I am grateful for my mom’s love, support, guidance, and for her strength..but for some reason, it’s not enough. I am fine without having a father in my life, because it’s what I know. I can’t imagine having a man in my house, I’m used to my mom and sister. The words “dad” and “daddy” are not in my vocabulary. He left when I was 10 years old, it’s a lot harder then a child never meeting their father. My father just left my life, all the sudden he no longer was a chapter in it and at a young age I had to figure out how to handle it. How to handle the divorce, his absences, my mother being frozen, my surgeries, my sisters demons and all the while I forgot to remember how to handle how I felt and still feel inside. I feel like everything is catching up with me now.
I know that I’ll never find my father in any other man who comes into my life, cause it is a void in my life that can only be filled by him. But to those who share my plight; we have a destiny. What has happened to us, was just meant to happen. I need to take the lemons that I am handed and make lemonade.But first, I need get rid of the sour bitter ones. How? When? I now no longer need to ask where he was, I need to find myself.
“It’s all okay in the end, and it’s not okay it’s not the end!”