Quote of the Day

“I remember looking at my dad and wanting to understand him. I didn’t want to just write the guy off. He was lost. I can’t speak specifically in terms of why and how he got to where he was — that was his journey. All I can tell you is, he was overwhelmed by life… My mother basically did all the work, and then they got separated and I didn’t see him for a long time. He didn’t try to help the family financially or spiritually, and I lived with the effects of the chaos.”

- Tom Cruise, on his father, to Esquire magazine

I relate to this so much, when I read it I felt like I’m the one that wrote it. I never got to look at my father and try to figure him out, when he left I was young. I’ll never understand it and I’m not sure I even want to. I feel like I found comfort in having a void in my life, the void being a father’s role. I think in his mind he did nothing wrong, he believes it was my mother’s fault for divorcing him and moving back home to the States. Even though my mother wasn’t happy and their marriage was broken from the day they married, I don’t think he took that in consideration because he never made an effort to make my mom happy, he didn’t realize that if a woman isn’t content  in her home then the children won’t be either. Their energy and vibe reflects on us children. I just feel like once my parents divorced, we divorced from our father as well. After 10 years of not seeing him he came to visit for a week. I was numb, I didn’t feel anything for him. But eventually everything caught up to me. I couldn’t help but feel irritated by him. My family acted like him being here will now shut me up about how I feel. He came to my sisters college graduation and he didn’t deserve to be there. He knew nothing about her and all that she went through. I couldn’t stand how he thought it was all okay and expected his grown daughters to run up to him like little girls happy to see their dad.

When I finally tried to look at him to try to understand him he showed no remorse. I asked him where was he when I needed him most. Why didn’t he come to visit me in the hospitals,  during my recoveries or even call me to wish me good luck or see how I am doing. For 8 years I was in and out of operations, he never called my mom to check on me and to see how she was dealing with everything. I simply asked my father “why weren’t you there for me” he says “It’s not fair that you are punishing me for not being there, I couldn’t come. I had things to deal with.”. I was hurt, all I wanted to hear is ‘I’m sorry’. From then on I shut off, I realized he is my father but not my dad. He got remarried and didn’t invite my sister and me to the wedding, he now has three children that he can be a dad to and it was easy for him to call my mom for paper work he needed her help with but couldn’t man up to call her to check on his daughters all these years.

I don’t need him. I may have felt that I did at times, but he never came so I am fine with out him. What hurts is how my family acts like nothing should be wrong with me, when I would speak up they would tell me to get over it he will always be your dad, they never took the time to even understand what my sister and I were going through.  My sister rebelled and I purged my feelings. My mother was in her own world and we had to make the effort to get in it. She shut off, she wasn’t happy. As a child, I can’t tell you how it was like to go through everything I was going through, hearing my mother cry alone in the dark almost every night and watching my sister crumble. I felt like their parent, I had to take that role so they can be okay. It wasn’t about me, I had to help them, save them because they were all I have.

I always felt like I needed to be recognized for my strength, I never felt like a priority to anyone. I always had to put on a brave face and when my facade wasn’t on for the day and I would show weakness I would be brought down instead of being lifted up. I just never felt..loved and when someone does show me it I don’t believe them. I can’t. I feel like there’s a little girl inside of me that has waited to be held and feel loved since i was born. I’ve tried to kill her so I can finally breathe, but how can I when I never felt alive?

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