It’s how YOU deal, it’s YOUR life!

I can’t stand when people put the blame on their parents when life doesn’t turn out the way its supposed to be, how they envisioned or how they want it to be when they find themselves doing the wrong things and in a dark place in life. Whether its drugs, alcohol, teenage pregnancies, jail or stripping. Just because they were raised by a single parent or they grew up in a bad environment. You can’t blame anyone but yourself for your how your life is, remember life is what you make of it. I know that some people don’t have it easy and no one will ever know what you go/went through in life inside your home and in your heart, but why play the victim? There have been many success stories with people who grew up in bad circumstances and they made it out, they finish college, they become doctors, athletes or just successful in whatever they set their mind to and have families of their own.

I’m talking about the girls who point the finger at their dad not being around.

I grew up raised by a single mother; it’s always been my sister, my mom and me. My fathers picture in our family frame lasted for a short while till my mom burned it when she declared divorce. Even when we were living as a family, he still wasn’t around so their divorce didn’t come as a shock. Of course I was upset they divorced, I was young but I knew they weren’t meant for each other and I was okay with that.It was working out fine, every summer we would go visit my dad and he would take us to different country and we would spend it with his family. His absence didn’t hit me till after only two summers my father stopped sending us to visit him, he got remarried and basically forgot about  my sister and me. Then the real pain came when I was diagnosed with a disease and went through 11 surgeries in 8 years and not once did he come to visit me or even call me. He just wasn’t there for me and I can never get over it. It was all overwhelming. This is the time when I needed him the most. Now that I’m older I have in head that if my father couldn’t love me or be there for me..what man would? I’m not deserving of love. I’m aware I have relationship, personal and trust issues that I need to work on that stems from my father not being in my life  but I know in my heart, it’s much deeper than that and I need to find the pieces and make me whole. It takes time, I have a lot of healing to do.

My sister had demons inside while I suffocated mine. She spiraled out of control, she crashed and my mom and me picked her up before she burned. We were living in our own private hell that no one knew about, it was hard for each of us to look forward for another day and it was a battle to get through the night without any commotion. My mother had the weight of the world on her shoulders, single parent of two girls dealing with a rebellious teenager and going through medical nightmares with the other one. I won’t go into detail about everything my sister went through and how we dealt with it, but it was hard and at times scary. My father knew nothing about us and what we went through. He never saw the bigger picture, they both clearly moved on with their lives but he still couldn’t pick up the phone to ask the mother of his children how she is doing, how she is handling everything, how are WE doing, check or care to know about my health..just care to know whats going on in his daughters lives,  never sent money nor did he ever put an effort to be a part of our lives.  I resented that.

10 years later, my sister graduated college and suddenly he decides to be a father and come to her  graduation. After all these years of not seeing him I have to face the man who God tells me to love and forgive, the man who was supposed to be my superman but let me fall time and time again. He didn’t deserve to be there, he doesn’t know my sister and how hard she worked and all that she went through, to hold her hand as if he’s been there through it all..wasn’t right to me. I became numb. I felt no emotion towards him. I saw him and saw a stranger. I shut off. My sister was content with him reentering her life for a few days and possibly for the last time, she looked like a little girl who lost her dad and didn’t want to let go when she finally found him and I was the crying baby that has wanted to be held that grew to be bitter from the neglect.

My sister and I are two complete opposite examples but one thing we share in common is that we are standing tall and its only natural that we sometimes point fingers at our parents for their faults but regardless we take accountability for our actions, we have weathered every storm. I can speak for myself when I say, I understand that when life gives you lemon you make lemonade instead of wearing a sour face.

I was young and going through a lot of emotions and hurt all on my own. I couldn’t open up to no one because every touch felt cold to me or most of the times there wasn’t a hand for me to hold. When I would speak up my family would say I’m being dramatic and that I need to get over it, that God says no matter what happens you always have to forgive your father and everything that happens to you. I had to put my mothers feelings and my sisters demons before me. I felt like I was their parent at times, tending to both needs and forgetting about mine. The pain I endured could have led me to many roads of self-destruction but I chose not too. I choose not to fall, not to get pregnant, get in to drugs and drinking and stripping and what have you. Everyone deals and handles everything differently.

It’s all about the choices you make. Doesn’t matter if you were raised by both parents, by one parent, grandparents or by foster parents. It’s all about how you chose to live your life. You are either going to crawl and hide your feelings away till they attack you suddenly or you want to drink, party and drug up your feelings or you chose to seek help. Either way, it’s your life, life isn’t about waiting for the rain to pass, it’s about dancing in the rain.

Lets get to it: Montana Fishourne inspired the following discussion (check out inspired her to do a sex tape) –

When young girls are having sex at a young age, getting pregnant, doing drugs or young women choose to be strippers, in porn or prostitutes they are labeled as damaged girls. Why?

I don’t get it. You question: Did someone touch you inappropriately when you were a child? Are you angry or resentful toward your parents? Did you feel unloved as a child? Do you feel unloved as an adult? Are you emotionally scorned in any way? For instance, take a look at Montana Fishbourne the daughter of actor Lawrence Fishbourne. She is being questioned all these questions for two reasons: The fact that she is the daughter of a famous actor and she is a woman. So far, Montana’s answers have been the same. “No, I just have always had a strong interest in porn and I like to screw.” She went on to say that there were never any issues with her father or feelings of being unloved by either parent and she had a very privileged childhood.

Sounds fair enough. But to hear a woman make such a bold statement has been somewhat of a shocker to everyone. It is as if it is impossible for any emotionally healthy woman to have an interest in porn and a desire to make a career out of it. Does she have to be damaged in some way?  That is the assumption of most people. What if the answer is less complex?  What if the girl just likes sex? Could it also be that she does see porn as a job the same as someone who has dreams of becoming a doctor or lawyer? I am inclined to think that it is totally possible.

For one there are plenty of women who enjoy having sex with a variety of partners just as there are men who do.  Of course not all of these women are porn stars. Some are our sisters, and friends, cousins, aunts and mothers who work for the city or teach 3rd grade. However, in a woman’s case the stereotype is that she must have been abused in some way and that is why she indulges the way she does. Instead of accepting that she could simply enjoy sex we dig deeper and search for the real reason. Also, porn is a million dollar industry. There are porn stars who earn big bucks in porn from essentially doing something that we all do(well not at all, yet!).  One can also receive a certain level of fame from porn. There are people who are porn fanatics and know all the players involved and adore them in the same way that others are fanatical about actors like say Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.

This is why we cannot make the broad generalization that every single woman who becomes involved in porn is damaged in some way.  It also does not shock me to hear Montana make the claim that she has always had an interest in porn. Now whether this is true in her case is one thing, I am arguing that it is totally possible for a woman to feel a general interest towards the porn industry.  Sure there are some women who have had circumstances of abuse in their life which may have led up to their decision to do porn. However every single woman?  You mean to tell me that every single chick in the history of porn was abused or had some psychological issue? I don’t believe it. I think it is completely possible that there are people in the porn industry that see this as an occupation.  Not just people but women specifically.

Again, I am not insinuating that this is never an issue for some porn stars but it would be foolish for us to subscribe to the belief that every single porn star is on drugs, was abused in some way as a child, has daddy or mommy issues, feels unloved, is addicted to sex, is an alcoholic, or is some other form of degenerate to society.

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